maybe it is too much. too much that in return i expect more. too much that's why i get easily upset. too much that somehow even if there's faith, fear overshadows it. 

too much, that it increases my fear of losing something.losing the one thing. too much that there are now restrictions, a lot of fears, a lot of worrying and a lot of crying.

that's why im gonna be my old self-- just plain steady. holding back what's really inside. not really giving or showing all. not really giving anyone a clue of what i think or how i feel. not really caring if people would think im a stone or even insensitive. i'd rather be thought of as one than be thought of someone who cares but with qualifications depending upon my situation when in fact i really do care without those fucking buts.

you'll never see me crying again. not even hear or know that im crying. you'll never see my heart melt again. if and when you say or do something which can make my heart smile, you'll never know how much joy i'd feel inside. im gonna restore part of the wall ive built long before you came into my life. not the entire wall. just a portion of it to shield me from...everything.

maybe the problem is really on me. maybe on the both of us. regardless whose fault it is, i think too much of loving contributes to it all. i may be illogical to say that maybe im not becoming a better person, a better partner to you cause i just love you too much. that too much is the cause for all this. or maybe i just really dont know how to love. or maybe i have become what i am now because of the past. loving someone and not being loved. so now that i love someone who loves me, i tend to expect more, even want more; unconsciously thinking whether or not you love me more than i love you--cause i fear of losing someone who loves me--loved me. i think id rather that it be unrequited from the very beginning than returned but in the end it'll be gone. even imagining the pain is too much painful.

i love you...more than you'll ever know. never might be never at all. but for the meantime holding back might save our future. i'd still like to have a happy ending with you so that we could start another chapter with something wonderful to serve as one of the bases of our strenght to keep moving forward together. i know ive broken your heart a lot of times and maybe i can say that you did it to me too. but for what it's worth, and despite all the upsets and hurtings you're still the joy in my life. and you're the one; the one i want to continue to bring me the joy i've once merely dreamt of.

sometimes when we really want something we have to be steady.